And another year is about to get into the past. If i have to describe my 2021 in one word would be “uncertainty”…and the pandemic has nothing to do with it. My 2021 might be remembered as the “beginning of my rebirth” or “the beginning of my end”. Why?
My 2021 started actually pretty good: after a long search in 2020, i finally got a job. It was quite nice, because the place was few minutes away from home, the money were good and it was a small company. It’s was exactly what i wanted to start: something small, where i could learn everything i could from the job and then do something more. But we now that reality is not exactly how we imagine it: i hated every single second. Even right now, if i think back, i have no idea why they hired me, because i was there doing absolutely nothing. Yes, it might cool in the beginning, but then when you sit in your chair doing nothing and the other around you have too much to do, the feelings you have are not exactly so amazing. I felt useless and i knew that i was wasting my time. Four months later, in April, i had to quit, because i was getting sick mentally: bad nightmares, awful thoughts and a costant feeling of stress.
This feeling of freedom, after i quit the job, was nice in the first couple of days, then i started to realise that i was unemployeed, which means no money: i had to find a way to make money again, but i knew that i didn’t want to come back to the life that made me sick in the first place. So i decided to become a self-employee. It was a big choice, but there was no other ways for me to be mentally happy. The only problem is that i had no idea what do to. Then my sister came with the idea to sell online art products. At the time i thought it was a great idea, both because she knew a lot of stuff about art, and she could help me, and because i learned as a Wholesale merchant and it was exactly my thing selling and buying things. So i started to think about everything i needed to make things happen. It was absolutely boring and frustrating: too much burocrazy and too much wasted time waiting for an answer. I started in May to plan everything, i opened in November. It might be the beginning of something big, but for me it became soon a trap. I realised too late that i didn’t want to sell anything. The decision to open an online-shop was wrong and i took it with the stomach and fear to become poor. Fear and Instinct are often a bad combo.
I knew that i wanted to become a blogger. I always loved to write things and communicate with people. I tried multiple times to have a working blog and everytime i failed, because i was too impatient and i wanted results in few days, maybe weeks. I was too stupid, i know. This time i wanted something different. At the age of 29 it’s for me a challenge: i want to know if i can do something with my life or if i am able to do things on my own. Maybe i will fail, maybe won’t. This time i want to try it with everything i have. if It won’t work, it means that it was not meant to be for me to become a blogger or working alone.
It’s a risky move, i know. As i said in the very beginning of this post, it might be “the beginning of something” or “the beginning of the end”. Only time will tell. However it was a year full of changes and hard work. I just hope that this work will bring me somewhere in 2022!