Funny Country Review #8: Australia

Put your hands up if you love Australia. Yes, i am sure you have your hands up already. I have personally put not only my hands up in the air, but also things i can’t say right now. Australia is wonderful…but it’s a country i would never EVER visit. No, i am not stupid, but i would love to live longer. Australia is by far the most dangerous place in the entire planet!

Australian people, can i ask you something? How can you live in an island that tries everything it can to kill you? I’m not joking, i want to know. When your kids go to school, do they have Bear Grills as a teacher? There’s no other explanation. I am pretty sure that all the australian can survive in a Jungle with only tissues, a lighter and an the Washington Post…or The Sidney Post in your case (quick question: which is the most famous and read newspaper in Australia?)

Why Australia is one of the most beautiful country in the world? As a man, i can tell you three names: Cate Blanchett, Margot Robbie and Nicole Kidman. And i can easily stop the post right here, but i am a professional and i will go deeper.

The first point is the island itself. I mean, Australians are alone. There’s no other stupid and annoying countries Australia shares the border with. Only the ocean all aorund. So amazing. I live in Italy and i have to share the border with Switzerland (one of the useless country in the world), Austria (Basically it’s Germany with another flag) and France (i hate France). Now that i live in Germany, i have to share border with eight other countries will all the connected problems. Problems that Australia doesn’t have: the only way you can reach the continent is on a ship or on an airplane. You can’t drive or walk to Australia…unless you are Jesus, in that case you can walk there, but we are not, so walking is not an option.

Cities are great…well, technically two cities: Melbourne and Sydney. I would love visit Sydney for the Opera Hause, the Bay and the beaches and Melbourne only to walk on the Formula One track (yes, i am a Formula One fan). As you can see, i am a standard tourist. If there’s an Australian around here, can you make a list of things people need to see when they are in Australia? I am ignorant! I know that there are other cities like Brisbane or Canberra, but i have no idea is there’s something interesting there.

However, as i said before, i would never EVER visit Australia. Why? I don’t wanna see a snake in my toilet, while i am sit on it, or a crocodile in front of the door, where i am at. Not a wonderful thing to witness and not something on my bucket list. Oh, and with something between poisonous scorpions, poisonous spiders and wild Kangaroos the opportunity to feel pain and suffer are too high. And the territory itself is dangerous. Basically, it tells you everytime “leave, you are not welcome here!” and it does everything in its power to show you its disappointment and disgust aganist you. Between hot temperatures and fires there’s a high chance you might become the “Human Torch” in real life. I mean, As soon as you step foot in the country, your chances to die grows drastially (if before the landing are 10%, once you land are 99,9%). If you get back home alive and not injured, you have to go to the next church and say a prayer to God. Oh, and i have not talked about the Outback yet. It’s basically a desert, just to complete the machine of death called Australia, where you can lose yourself and die pretty quickly, due to the hot (too much hot) temperatures.

Even birds wants to kill you. I am not kidding! The Australian magpie is a killer bird and they will try to kill you, even if you are around to buy a Kiwi, just because he male magpie thinks you are attacking the nest and the eggs in it…even if you are happily walking around the city whistling.

People say Australia is a great country. Well, geographically is huge. Apart from that is a country to avoid if you don’t live there. It’s a mortal trap for every single not australian. Australia is like the a “hell is a cell match” against nature…with the only different that you will lose. The funny parts is that there are millions of visitors, who willingly wants to try to play with the death and see if they can win…incredible!

See ya

Mauro.

The Ironically All-Rounder
I'm pretty sure to know everything. If thre's nothing i don't know. be free to tell me!

4 thoughts on “Funny Country Review #8: Australia

  1. I always wanted to go to Australia because of all the beautiful pictures I see and all the wonderful things I’ve heard. Your opinions make me have second thoughts though… πŸ˜…

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